Sometimes the Road is Dark
As of the past few weeks I’ve only seen an improvement in my mental health. I think there are lots of factors influencing this, but I thought I’d just write a post about how my mental health has affected me in the past. Apologies in advance for how long this could get.
My first big dip came during my second year of university. I’d just experience some of the most fun (although not educational) 6 months of my life at the University of Tennessee. I’d tried new things (first dip of my toe into rowing) and met a lot of fun new people, some of whom I spent almost every spare moment of my day with. Then back in the UK I moved into a house with two girls I didn’t know, was a bus journey away from my best Keele friend, a 3 hour train ride from home and to make everything 3000% worse it was snowing for AGES.
I hate snow.
Thus begun my downward spiral. My grades continued to fall, I felt isolated and was having to try and integrate with a new squad. I’ve suffered from social anxiety to some degree since I was about 17. I’m not sure why it kicked in at that age, but I found spaces full of people I didn’t know very unnerving. I hated talking to anyone new. I especially hated the phone.
Constantly feeling inadequate, like you need to prove yourself and most importantly like you don’t deserve to be in a crew is a difficult feeling to overcome. To be honest at university I never did overcome it. There has been a huge mental block for me, always stopping me from achieving my best. How many times have I said during an erg (test or not) that I simply cannot do it? How many times afterwards have I said I didn’t deserve the number on the screen? Too many to count.
My brief stint at Marlow rowing club didn’t really help matters. I pushed myself extremely hard in training and actually achieved one of the fastest ergs in the squad (in retrospect, not a fast score), but was denied the option to seat race as my coach said it would be ‘too demoralising for me’. Was I not worthy of a seat in a boat? Did I not deserve the chance to even try? My boyfriend was quick to point out the blatant favouritism that was currently going on and he encouraged my move to Henley rowing club. My first ‘season’ (I joined just before MET so pretty late!) with HRC was a mixed bag as I found it difficult to make new friends. It was only until my second season that actually my mental health began to improve drastically; with new members joining who were in a similar situation to me it was a breath of fresh air and I loved every minute of that year. Nothing really told me I wasn’t good enough. The voice in the back of my head had begun to quieten down. I was massively in love, now living with my first real boyfriend as an adult I couldn’t help but be overjoyed every day. I grew stronger, I got faster, I felt great.
Of course, things change. Our landlord refused to renew our tenancy. Growing amounts of stress and unhappiness at work put a strain on my relationship. In the end we decided to break it off as we were becoming toxic for each other. My ability to handle money just went out the window and spiralled out of control. In a desperate attempt to reboot myself I moved somewhere new, but accidentally found myself living with cocaine loving party animals who kept me up until 3am most days. Those months were hell. Even when I was out of that situation the mental state plagued me. It completely demolished my chances of improving over the next season and at HRC I found myself frustrated. Just continuously heading backwards. Often completing land training by myself, once again finding myself isolated.
Summer '17 I possibly dipped the lowest I’ve ever been. Random outbursts of tears, vivid day dreams about being involved in a car crash, thinking if I was in hospital at least I’d be allowed to take a break from everything. It’s a difficult place to be and I’m thankful my house mates pushed me to seeing a GP. I’d been on anti-depressants whilst at university and hated the fact they turned me into an uncaring zombie, but at that moment in time I realised that actually no emotion would be a nice break from it all.
No amount of words will be able to explain how thankful I am to the Hart Surgery in Henley, to my GP Dr Bish, and their dedication towards making me safe. Thanks to them, the support of my friends, family and squad I’ve finally began to climb back out of that dark place. Truthfully I can only see myself going up from here.
I hope this post, although long winded, can offer help to anyone in the same situation. Some days are dark, but the most important thing is to make sure you’re not in it alone. Realise that it won’t get better overnight, or even in a week, but if you put trust in those supporting you then eventually the fog will begin to lift. And if you’re in a very dark place, going on youtube and either looking at puppies, kittens or babies laughing is usually a great way to temporarily dispel it.
Natalie X
